I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I think I died a long time ago.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
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