also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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