his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
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