if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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