I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
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