I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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