He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
