True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
