I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Randomize
