I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize