the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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