WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
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