youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
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