Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
