Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Randomize
