I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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