There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Randomize
