you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
