I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
