And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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