i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
