Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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