this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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