I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
