I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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