I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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