do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
