he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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