the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
