i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
