At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
