just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
