how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Randomize
