Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
