Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Randomize
