watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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