Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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