she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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