So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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