You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
