I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
