The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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