Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
