never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
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