God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
