absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
