EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Randomize
