How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
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