i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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