So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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