my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Randomize
