so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
