PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Let's paint friendship bongs
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
