Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
