if you like me you must not know who I am
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
