so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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